


Hold Me Close

by orphan_account



Category: Six of Crows Series - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Comfort, Fluff and Smut, Jesper is sweet, Light Angst, M/M, Mostly Canon Accurate, Porn with Feelings, Post-Canon, Safe Signals?, Smut, no rape scenes though, referances to past rape, safe words
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-04
Updated: 2018-12-08
Packaged: 2019-09-07 16:46:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16857634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Wylan had problems with touch; he craved it, wanted the easy casual touches so desperately, but whenever someone touched him he flinched away.Raised hands triggered some instinct in him to turn and run.Sort of a 5+1?Comfort smut.Is that a thing?





	1. Wylan, the Talk

Wylan had problems with touch; he craved it, wanted the easy casual touches so desperately, but whenever someone touched him he flinched away.

Raised hands triggered some instinct in him to turn and run.

 

He was practiced at hiding the panic in every day interactions. He’d learned how to hide his fear of raised hands early.

Before the Dregs no one asked questions. No one questioned why he stiffened under brushed fingers and turned pink at the mention of physical contact.

Now, Jesper sometimes gave him an odd look when he pulled away, but Jesper always let Wylan change the conversation. Didn’t pry into why.

Everything was good.

Except the little voice in Wylan’s head that whispered _you’re lying to him_ everytime Jesper said Wylan was innocent.

And the fact that Wylan still flinched away if Jesper’s hands wandered.

Wylan didn’t have the words to explain that he wanted Jesper. That sometimes he ached with the need to curl up in jesper’s arms.

Or too push for more then the kisses. That he dreamt about the things Jesper’s hands could do if Wylan ever let them wander down.

 

But wanting didn’t mean that when it actually happened Wylan wasn’t immediately thrown back to when less nice hands gripped him.

Or when a harsher body pushed him into walls. Or when fingers muffled his noises and pushed in.

 

Wylan might be as smart as Jesper said, might be strong enough to be one of the dregs and pull off the ice Court Job.

But that didn’t change his past.

 

***

They were alone (Wylan’s mother in her rooms for the night, Inej left last week to hunt slaver ships) cuddled up together on the bed as Jesper told him stories from his past.

_Liar, Liar, Liar._

_Tell him..._

_You have to tell him...._

“Sunshine?” Jesper smiled, ruffling Wylan’s hair playfully, “Where’d you go?”

Wylan shook his head and leaned in for a kiss.

Jesper made a muffled sound of surprise then wrapped his arms around Wylan’s waist and pulled him onto his lap.

Wylan knew this was a horrible idea. But Jesper’s lips felt warm, and he felt so safe in his arms. So, he kissed down Jesper’s jaw and started to unbutton Jesper’s shirt.

Jesper responded eagerly, his hands sliding under Wylan’s shirt. Moving from his stomach, around to his back where Jesper’s finger dug into his skin.

Panic prickled in the back of Wylan’s mind, but he pushed it away and tore his shirt off.

Jesper smiled at him, yanking his own shirt off, then Jesper buried his face in Wylan’s neck and alternated between sweet kisses, and small,sucking, bites.

Wylan closed his eyes, his head thrown back, with Jesper’s hands on his back holding him in place.

Wylan traced his fingers over Jesper’s chest, then across the seam of his pants.

“Wy,” Jesper whispered into his neck, his hands sliding down Wylan’s back, then around to his thighs.

Wylan froze, not even breathing, as he squeezed his eyes shut.

“Jes,” He tried to say, but it came out as more of a whimper, and Jesper grinned against his skin. Kissing down Wylan’s chest.

Wylan’s fingers tightened around Jesper’s hips, and he felt the need to push Jesper away.

To scramble backwards.

Fuck, say no at least.

 

_Don’t fight._

_Good boys do what they’re told._

Jesper’s hands moved again, chasing circles around Wylan’s stomach.

Wyaln’s skin felt like live-wire, every soft touch magnified. Jesper’s hands might as well have been made from sandpaper. Everywhere his fingers skimmed left his skin raw, goosebumps raising all over his arms.

But, Wylan’s voice was stuck in his throat. He felt himself shrinking back into his head, slipping away. Putting up barriers in his mind so he wouldn’t have to feel.

 _Tell him, please,_ Wylan begged himself, _he’s not the same. Say no._

Wylan tried to raise his arms, to push Jesper away, but god, his arms felt so heavy.

And Jesper was so strong.

_What good would it do?_

 

Jesper’s hands stopped, stilling against Wylan’s skin, and Jesper’s lips pulled away. Jesper looked up at Wylan, his smile replaced by furrowed brows and worried eyes.

“Wy?” Jesper asked again. No longer a shaky moan, but steady and solid.

Wylan gulped, attempting to scramble off Jesper’s lap, but instead falling backwards onto their bed.

Wylan threw an arm over his heated face, fighting back the tears pricking his eyes.

Next to him the weight on the bed shifted, and Jesper’s hand tugged at his arm. Wylan moved his arm just enough to see Jesper propped up next to him, still frowning.

“I’m sorry,” Wylan’s voice trembled.

“Hey,” Jesper said softly, “We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”

“I want to, that’s not the problem.”

Jesper’s frown deepened, and he ran a hand through his hair, “I don’t understand.”

“I—“ Wylan took a deep breath, reaching up to take Jesper’s hand, “I want you, but sometimes when you touch me... I’m not feeling your hands?”

Jesper gave a single nod, “What are you feeling?”

Wylan felt the red in his cheeks, and closed his eyes, “him...”

 

Rough hands yanking Wylan’s pants away, griping his wrists.

 

“Like... you think I’m going to... hit you?” Jesper said slowly, holding onto Wylan’s hand a little tighter.

“I know you aren’t my father.”

Wylan opened his eyes, Jesper looked utterly lost, sitting a few inches away, his arm stretched over to hold onto Wylan’s.

Wylan sat up, sitting cross-legged, and pressing his forehead into Jesper’s bare chest.

Jesper wrapped an arm loosely around Wylan’s shoulders, and ran his fingers through Wylan’s hair.

“I’m sorry, Sunshine, I’m still confused.”

“I had tutors, for years, until my father gave up. ” Wylan stoped to take a deep breath, “One of them... he...”

“Hey,” Jesper’s hand moved around to cup Wylan’s cheek, tugging up gently until Wylan looked at him, unshed tears glistening in Wyaln’s eyes.

“I was fourteen, I didn’t—“

Wylan cursed himself for not being able to get the words out, but Jesper was watching him patiently, not snapping when the words tripped over themselves.

“Jes, there’s nothing you can do that he didn’t already.”

 

Jesper is always in constant motion—hands tapping, leg jostling, pacing, talking. Except now. This is the first time Wylan has ever seen Jesper so still.

 

Wylan starts to shift away, tears streaking down his face.

Jesper drops his arm from Wylan’s shoulder and cups his cheeks with both hands, wiping his tears away gently.

“Did one of your tutors rape you?” His voice is so clam, they could have been discussing the weather. Something bland and factual.

Wylan gulped and nodded slowly. Bracing for the rage that had to follow. For Jesper to shove him away, yell, something.

Instead, Jesper leaned forward to kiss Wylan’s forehead, “I’m sorry, Wy.” He whispered into Wylan’s hair.

Wylan’s nerves felt fried, he had no idea how to respond. What to do.

Jesper pulled away enough to look into Wylan’s eyes, “What he did, that’s... that’s not sex, it’s violence. I will never do anything he did, and if we do anything it won’t be the same. It won’t be that.”

Wylan’s shoulder’s slumped, and he pulled out of Jesper’s hands, to rest his head on jesper’s shoulder.

“I tried,” Wylan whispered, “to say no, to fight... but it always made it worse. I don’t think I even know you to say no anymore. Whenever someone touches me the words just won’t come.”

Wylan feel Jesper nod, Jesper hands once again moving across Wylan’s skin. Holding him close, rubbing reassuring circles.

“I’m guessing you freeze up?”

Wylan nodded.

“Okay, I’ll stop if you freeze, and I’ll check in frequently.”

 

_Say you want it._

Fingers clawing at his mouth,

_Be a good little boy._

 

“I would... I think I might lie.” Wylan muttered.

“Okay,” Jesper said, as if it made perfect sense, “would non-verbal signals be better? I’ll still listen if you stay stop, but if you don’t feel safe you could squeeze my hand twice.”

“What if we aren’t holding hands?”

“Squeeze anywhere.”

“How about two squeezes to pause, and three to full stop?”

Jesper nods.


	2. Wylan, Babble

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It get's a lil intense

It really is easier for him, to know even if his words get knotted, and stuck in his throat that he can still ask for what he needs.

Everything is easier, like breathing clean air after being trapped in a smoky room.

So easy.

 

One afternoon, when the house is empty, they end up on the bed, shirts thrown onto the floor, Jesper’s weight heavy on Wylan.

“mhmm,” Jesper hums against Wylan’s skin, his teeth gently pressing into Wylan’s shoulder, one hand tangled in Wylan’s hair and the other hand tracing over Wylan’s belt.

“Jes,” Wylan gasps, rolling his hips up into Jesper’s hand.

The hand in Wylan’s hair loosens and pulls away, tracing down Wylan’s body until Jesper grasps Wylan’s hand in his.

Wylan doesn’t squeeze, he just runs his thumb along the back of Jesper’s hand.

“What do you want?” Jesper breathes into Wylan’s chest, his entire body sinking lower as he kisses down from Wylan’s shoulder to right above his nipple.

“You,” Wylan whimpers, his empty hand clutching at Jesper’s shoulder, scratching slightly.

Jesper chuckles, his tounge flicking over Wylan’s nipple.

Wylan’s hand twitches, and Jesper pauses for a moment.

“Please,” Wylan moans, “keep going.”

“Anything you want, Sunshine.”

Wylan’s not sure if that’s a question. But he can’t focus on much, as Jesper sucks his nipple, his free hand rubbing little circles into the skin above Wylan’s jeans.

“Please,” Wylan whimpers again.

 

They’d talked about it, and Wylan said as long as he was still talking, he was still there. So Jesper took to making Wylan babble endlesssly. This time Jesper pressed his hips down into Wylan’s at each moan, every little whimper.

 

“I want,” Wylan gasped, “I want...”

Jesper stilled his hips, and took his mouth off Wylan’s nipple. Resting his chin on Wylan’s chest so he could look up into his blue eyes.

“Please take them off.”

“Take what off?” Jesper asked coyly, fluttering his eyelashes and pressing a innocent kiss intoWylan’s chest.

Wylan let go of Jesper’s shoulder and reached down to unbuckle his belt. It was difficult to do at such an odd angle, with only one hand.

Jesper laughed lightly, his eyes sparkling.

Then, he let go of Wylan’s hand and sat up a little so he could push Wyan’s hand away and undo Wylan’s belt.

The sudden loss of heat, from Jesper’s body moving father away, and the loss of Jesper’s hand in his, crashed into Wylan so suddenly that he froze.

He felt untethered.

Jesper moved on from Wylan’s now undone belt to the button on his jeans.

_No, no, no._

_Not now._

_It was going to well._

Wylan pressed his clammy hand into his eyes.

Jespers hands stoped, the button on Wylan’s jeans undone, but the zipper still up.

“Sunshine?” He asked, reaching down to take Wylan’s other hand.

Wylan squeezed his hand two times quickly, and his body started to shake.

“Oh, babe,” Jesper laid down, pressing their cheeks together, “I’m sorry.”

Wylan breathed slowly, relaxing under Jesper’s weight, their hands clasped tightly together.

And at first, it eased him. Having Jesper so close. But then it was all too much.

He squeezed Jespers hand again. Just once, but Jesper got the cue and lifted himself off, letting go of Wylan’s hand.

Wylan sat up, curling his arms around himself.

“I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have anything to be sorry for, sunshine.”

Wylan nodded. Cold, now that he wasn’t in Jesper’s arms.

After a minute Wylan said softly, “I want you to hold me, but I don’t want to be touched.”

Jesper nodded slowly, as if that was a reasonable request. Jesper leaned over, picking up both of their shirts from the floor. Jesper tugged his on and set Wylan’s next to him. Then, Jesper sat cross legged a couple inches from Wylan.

Wylan uncurled his body, crawling into Jesper’s lap.

“Good?” Jesper asked, hesitantly combing through Wylan’s hair.

“Yes.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Both this chapter and the next one are pretty short, so I'll be posting both of them today, then the fourth chapter Thursday!


	3. Wylan, the Study

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wylan talks a bit about his rape in this chapter! Nothing graphic, but just a warning.

Wylan has slowly been making his way through all the rooms in the house. The bad rooms. He’s been putting off the study though.

The memories are worse here.

Wylan feels twice as stupid just being in this room.

Jesper came with him this time, fiddling with random books on the shelves.

“Wylan?” Jesper prods.

He doesn’t respond, staring glumly the spines of books. The words swim around, inky, blurry messes.

_How does anyone understand this?_

Jesper takes Wylan’s hand, kissing the back of his hand before doping it.

Wylan blinks, focusing on Jesper for the first time.

Then, without thinking, without considering how bad of a place and time this is (for godsake it’s the middle of the day, Wylan’s mother is only a few rooms down), Wylan surged forward, urgently kissing Jesper as he tangled his fingers in Jespers short hair.

Jesper stills for a moment, then he softens into the kiss.

“I don’t think this is the best place,” Jesper whispers.

“I want to replace the memories,” Wylan whispers back, kissing him before Jesper can respond.

Jesper pulls back then, frowning, “here?”

Jesper looks around the room, as if a bright sign will appear. Announcing the exact location.

Wylan jerks his head to the little nook in between one of the bookcases and a desk.

Jesper’s frown deepens.

“I really don’t think this will end well.” Jesper says after a long time.

“He was trying to make me read some children's book.” Wylan said softly, his voice far away, eyes glazed. 

Jesper tried to stay still, not to jinx this. They never talked about it. Wylan always changes the subject, made vague comments then shut down. If Wylan needed to talk, Jesper wasn’t about to mess that up.

“It started so... it started with little things. He’d grip my wrist too hard when I stumbled over words. When he figured out my father... after he saw the bruises he would poke my sides if I didn’t say the sentence right. Then he’d move my shirt and grip my waist. Little things building up. Like he was seeing how far he could get. Eventually he must have realized no one was going to stop him.”

Wylan moved abruptly, dragging Jesper with him. Once they were near the nook, Wylan let go of Jesper’s hand and touched the wall lightly.

“I was at the desk… repeating memorized words, I’d heard the book I was supposed be be reading before, I messed up, missed a word... and he grabbed my arm and yanked me up and shoved me into the wall.”

Wylan pressed his hand harder into the wall, “at first I thought he was just... just going to hit me. That’s what I thought it was all leading up to. I was prepared for the blow, but he stepped into my space and—“

Wylan dropped his hand from the wall and squeezed Jesper’s hand three times.

Jesper gently tugged him away from the nook, wrapping his arms around Wylan, “You don’t owe me that story, Wy. You don’t owe me.”

“I spent the whole night throwing up, after. It didn’t matter, it never mattered if I succeeded or failed.”

Jesper leaned down, still holding Wylan’s hand and pecked him on the lips. A small, easy kiss.

"I'm going to murder him," Jesper says when they pull apart. 

"What?" Wylan sputters. 

"These guns aren't just for show, babe." 

Wylan laughs, "You don't know his name." 

"I'm still gonna murder him." 

***

“Do you ever wish... wish I didn’t... wish we could just make out without having to stop the moment it starts getting fun.”

“Being with you is always fun, Wy. And, I don’t care if I never get past kissing ever again, I care about you. I care about how you feel way more than getting off.”

“But... do you ever... are you annoyed? When I need to stop.”

“Never.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter coming out tomorrow!   
> Thank you so much for reading! The kudos comments are motivating me so much TBH <3


	4. Jesper, Candlelight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little bit of what Jesper’s thinking...

Jesper was going to murder whichever bastard took advantage of fucking fourteen year olds.

He'd asked Kaz to do a little digging. Kaz wasn't interested at first, blew off Jesper’s random request, until Jesper said it had to do with underage rape.

Kaz has gone still, crushing the price of paper in his hands.

“I'll let you know in a week.”

***

Jesper knew Wylan’s limits; knew holding his wrists, or pining him down was a surefire way to make Wylan freeze up and slip away. He knew that contact and hand holding kept him in the moment. Kept Wylan with Jesper, and that sudden movement could throw him back.

 

But, Jesper knew more than just Wylan’s limits. Jesper knew how strong Wylan was. How smart he was, dispute the insecurities drilled into him by his father. Jesper knew how to make Wylan babble with pleasure. Knew how to read his half sentences and silent gestures.

But, mostly, Jesper just learned how to listen to Wylan. It wasn’t always easy, and Jesper mentally kicked himself every time he got carried away and didn’t notice immediately that Wylan had stoped talking. That Jesper had taken his hand away, left Wylan reeling and grasping at Jesper’s shoulder or waist.

 

The second time Jesper tried to take off Wylan’s pants, he was sloppily kissing down Wylan’s happy trail, the button undone, pulling the zipper down when Wylan stopped babbling and his hands grasped both Jespers shoulders, squeezing both three times.

They could grind on each other, lower halves clothed, no problem now. Wylan usually started asking for Jesper to take his pants off a few minutes into grinding.

Jesper tried everything to make it easier, but a part of him expected it would be a long time before Wylan was actually comfortable with his pants coming off. For now, at least, Wylan seemed to come back to himself quicker and quicker.

 

Jesper would wait forever, if he had to.

 

There was a lot of pleasing himself when Wylan wasn't home. Or waking up panting in the middle of the night, fuzzy dreams of Wylan lingering in his mind as slipped into the bathroom and pushed his hand down his pants.

 

***

 

Jesper’s was reading by candlelight, pleasantly tired after a long day of fabricator lessons, when Wylan slipped through the door and into bed.

“Leave the light on,” Wylan whispered, pressing a kiss into Jesper’s neck.

“Okay,” Jesper sighed, setting the book aside and wrapping a arm around Wylan and pulling Wylan over his body until Wylan was in his lap.

Wylan smiled softly, kissing Jesper.

It started out soft, but soon Jesper pulled Wylan in tighter and licked at his lips. Wylan smiled against Jespers mouth, playfully sucking at his lower lip. When Jesper let out a little moan, Wylan bit at his lip and then pressed their lips together urgently, licking at Jesper’s tongue.

They kissed for a long time, until Jesper felt his eyes growing heavy, until their lips slowed and Wylan was more laying than sitting on top of Jesper.

“I need to blow out the candle,” Jesper said eventually. Wylan lifted himself so that Jesper could lean over and blow of the candle, but as soon as Jesper later back down again, Wylan rested his head on Jesper’s chest, his breath evening out.

***

Wylan kissed jesper’s bare hips as he slipped his fingers into Jesper’s pants and stroked his cock.

“Wy,” Jesper moaned, tangling his hands in Wylan’s hair.

Inn response, Wylan shoved Jesper’s pants down and hummed against his skin, then licked at Jesper’s tip.

“Wylan!” Jesper gasped as Wylan took Jesper fully in his mouth.

 

“Jesper?” A soft voice asked him, and Wylan squeezed at his shoulder.

***

“Jesper?’ Wylan repeated as jesper jolted awake. He tried to sit up, but Wylan was a still draped over his body. A pleasant weight.

Except for the problem rising in Jesper’s pants.

“You were moaning,” Wylan said into his neck. His soft lips brushing over Jesper’s skin, his breathe tickling slightly.

“It was… I was dreaming.”

“Tell me about it?” Wylan picked his head up, the light was dim but Jesper could make out a smile.

“we were—”

Wylan gently pressed his hips into Jesper’s, putting a delightful pressure onto Jesper’s dick, and jesper broke off with a moan.

Jesper reached for Wylan’s hand, twining their fingers together before saying, “you were sucking me.”

Wylan stopped rocking their hips together, but he didn’t squeeze Jesper’s hand.

“Do you want that?” Wylan asked eventually.

“I want everything with you, Merchling.” Jesper said.

Wylan sat up a little, his knees sliding down to rest on either side of Jesper’s thighs. Then, he started to kiss down Jesper’s chest, letting go of jesper’s hand so he could tug down Jesper’s loose sleep pants.

“Wylan?” Jesper asked hesitantly, disoriented by the desire muddling his thought, and by the darkness. It was impossible to read Wylan’s facial expression, and Wylan was being quiet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there wasn’t originally going to be a plot, but a comment mentioned wanting bad things to happen to Wylan’s old tutor so here we are...


	5. Wylan

Wylan woke up to Jesper’s moans, and to the feeling of his hardness pressing into Wylan’s stomach. Wylan intended to go farther last night, but the kissing was so nice, he’d gotten carried away, then tired.  
But obviously it still rilled up Jesper on some level.  
And, waking up in the dark, to Jesper’s dick pressing into Wylan’s stomach hadn’t been panic inducing. He'd felt himself flush, felt a tug in his stomach. Wanted to be a part of whatever dream was causing Jesper to make those noises.

Wylan wasn’t sure at which point he’d felt himself slipping away. It wasn’t sudden. But when he tugged Jesper’s pants down and kissed along his hips, his head was fuzzy. He was fighting the urge to shake and gag.  
“Wylan?”  
Wylan forced himself to move lower, Jesper’s cock pressing against his cheek.  
Jesper’s hands moved onto his shoulders.  
For a split second he felt bile coming up. His throat burning and memories pushing though. Then, Jesper squeezed his shoulders twice, and Wylan slumped against him. His body shivering.  
Jesper hooked his hands under Wylan’s arms and pulled him up to his chest.  
Wylan collapsed there, heaving shakily breaths onto Jesper’s skin. Jesper’s body shifted under him, and a moment later the candle flickered on. Then both Jesper’s arms wrapped tightly around him.  
“I want you,” Wylan said, “I don’t know why I can’t...”  
“I want you too,” Jesper’s voice vibrated along Wylan’s entire body, “how can I take there pressure off?”  
“i just start panicking that I won’t be able to stop, that I’ll lose control.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey!   
> I've completely lost interest in this fic, but I didn't want to leave it at the total cliffhanger the last chapter had, anyway....

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time writing smut so sorry for any oddness  
> let me know what you think! (things are going to heat up in a couple chapters) 
> 
> <3


End file.
